By Mary Therese.
- The Loss of the Child Jesus:
What dark days passed before Our Lord was found again. The void He left behind was unbearable. Our Lady would have turned at the sound of a young boy’s laugh, or the patter of feet or the call of, “Mater!” Every little thing she saw or heard that reminded her of Him must have haunted her. She desired to find Her son and be in His presence, then to live among the hundred little memories of Him.
Oftentimes when leaving the convent we can feel like we have lost Jesus, or He has left us. We lived a life that revolved around Him, but now that life has come to an end. Every part of our day, every action and intention was saturated with His Presence and done solely for Him. But being back in the world, it is often triggering, the smallest things make you miss those days so centered on Him. Our Lady understands what it feels like to lose Him, to lose the things dear to our hearts, our community, our Sisters, even our religious name. I think, especially for religious, whether inside or out of the convent, there is an almost torturous existence of perpetual desiring, but not yet grasping that desire. I know that day will come, but the fullness of it will only be realized in Heaven.
So much of Mary’s identity was tied in with who He was. What if these three days turned into a lifetime without Him? There’d be no young boy to look after, to feed and clothe. Her days would become empty. Her whole existence revolved around Him. What would she do, who would she be without Him? It is true we possess our identity because of who God is as Our Father. So it makes sense for a woman who has left religious life to question her identity when she becomes separated from that intimate life with God in the convent. When will those sweet days with Him return? But it is a mistake to believe He is not with us, that we cannot love Him just as much as we did. Just because eight hours of a day are no longer filled with prayer that does not mean He is absent in those unprayed hours. God does call us at times, like Our Lady, to serve Him in the darkness of faith, in the unseen, and in silence. Oftentimes He does so because He is trying to teach us to hear Him in a new way. Our Lady is near to those going through spiritual desolation, when we wonder where God is, why He is silent and absent in our moments of misery and pain. We ask, like Our Lady, “Why have You done this to us?”
There are probably many different reasons, but it all comes down to Love. I used to wonder why I felt like our Lord had walked out on me and I could not feel His presence or hear His voice during the two and a half months leading up to my leaving the convent. No comfort, no consolation, no peace, no presence in all that long difficult discernment. Our Lady understands that feeling. But I’ve also come to realize that “He had to leave”: He walked out that door before me, to prepare the way. It was necessary. And one day, He will reveal Himself when the time is right. One day the infant Jesus will come running through an open door into your arms and the sweetness of His Presence will fill the room like a heavenly perfume! And maybe, you will be the one who was found. I can’t wait for that day. But until that day, I will ponder all these things in my heart, in union with Mary.
- Meeting Jesus on His Way to Calvary:
Our Lady must have experienced such powerlessness in that moment meeting her Son on the way to Calvary, barely able to recognize Him. She wished she could have taken the Cross and carried it herself and made it all better for Him, the way she had done for Him when He was a child. She knew He had a mission and trusted that there was a reason for all this. Though there was one thing she could give Him… her presence. She does the same for us. Jesus needed His Mother. We all need a Mother. We need someone to meet us where we are at when we feel like, or (more often than not) are a mess. We need someone to be our anchor. Sometimes our crosses can feel so heavy, almost unnecessarily. I like to imagine Our Lady ahead of Our Lord a few paces as He made His way to Calvary so that He could keep His eyes on her. She was the oil to His Lamp when the light of His Life was flickering lower and lower with every step. What new strength and courage the presence of Our Mother gives us in our trials. Mary also understands the pain of having your hands tied and not being able to alleviate the suffering of those around you. But as she teaches us, it isn’t so much what we do or say that expresses compassion for another, it is often just a look, a look of Love and a caring presence.
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