How I Found Peace With God’s Will

Jul 29, 2015 | 4 comments

How to deal with anxiety, from the pen of a paranoid schizophrenic.

By Stephanie Grace Cesare.

Jeremiah 29:11: Yes, I know what plans I have in mind for you, Yahweh declares: plans for peace, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Trust has been a major problem in my past, but if we believe in God’s goodness, how can we not trust in Him completely? Every second of our life God knows and allows to happen to us. “There is a spiritual world all around us, can you not see it?” – Jane Eyre.

Because of my condition I am always worried that the worst thing possible is going to happen at any second. The only way I could overcome that was to believe in God’s loving providence: to actually live second to second with a great belief that everything was in some kind of play book for my life. It is when the waves start crashing in on us, when we think we are alone and will drown, that God says, “O you of little faith”. In that moment the Apostle Peter cried, “Lord, we are going to drown, don’t you care?” Whenever we take our eyes away from God, that is when we become anxious, scared, feeling we are on our own and will drown in worries: that is when we need to cry, “LORD!”

This is where suffering must be understood.

Luke 11:11-15 says, “What father among you, if his son asked for a fish, would hand him a snake? Or if he asked for an egg, hand him a scorpion?” Suffering as the saints know it has infinite worth. God allows suffering to come upon us for this reason, that we may fill up what is lacking in the wounds of Christ, and that we may actually participate in God’s salvific mission for the world. God works through us when we accept life’s difficulties

2 Cor 12:7-10: “Wherefore so that I should not get above myself I was given a thorn in the flesh, a messenger from Satan to batter me and prevent me from getting above myself about this. I have three times pleaded with the Lord that it might leave me but he has answered me, “My grace is enough for you.” For power is at full strength in weakness. It is then about my weaknesses that I am happiest of all to boast, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me, and that is why I am glad of weaknesses, insults, constraints, persecutions and distress for Christ’s sake, for it is when I am weak that I am strong.”

Some examples in my life… God is in the details. To let go and realize every detail of the day is God’s will, will give you an extreme amount of peace. One day I realized I wasn’t going to be able to have a job because it was so stressful so I gave it up to God. I am a cosmetologist and I am supposed to take the next person on the computer list no matter what they want done, so I said, “Lord, please send me the people that I would be able to handle.” This went really well. Every time I went to the list I had the confidence that the Lord would help me with the next customer. He must really want me to have this job so I trusted.

I was in a religious community when I was having signs of schizophrenia and had decided to leave. I went into an extreme depression that landed me in the hospital several times. I didn’t know how a good God could push me away from him and not want a girl who dreamed all her life since the age of reason to be his spouse; to be incapable of it! How could a good God abandon me like that? “And I will dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life” – that just wasn’t true – or, “She has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her” – hmm, what about that one? I was telling God how to make me holy rather than trusting that he knew the best way. Then one day, I read that God sent the man who had asked to be his disciple to go home and be a witness to his family and home town – “How can I do that?” I thought. Well, I have had the chance to help those in the world with me more than I ever had in the convent with my peers, family and customers. I am planning on volunteering at a nursing home so I can talk to the infirm about God while doing their hair. I never had this in the convent…the chance to get close to people and love them. To get to know them, unlike I would ever have in the convent. That’s when I realized I was called to the single life and so be a witness.

One night I was crying hysterically over the fact I left the convent when my parents came home from Louisville with a note from a homeless person on the street to me. It said, “I have chosen you to bear fruit.” That was the quote at my clothing in the convent on my card. It made me realize that I have a mission greater than I could ever imagine as long as I did God’s will.

I was chosen, but how and for what? The most anxiety you go through is not knowing your calling in life and the second is not trusting and giving up your will to God. Mother Teresa said, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”.

The teenager days are usually the most arrogant. I’m going to be rich, I’m going to change the world, I’m going to be famous. There is nothing wrong with having these goals, as long as we give our will to God, but many do not and go into despair when they do not accomplish what they desire. This has caused many college-age students to commit suicide because their goals are so high. Many people come out of religious life and this can be devastating to live a humble life of a lay person or the married state. In Abandonment to Divine Providence, Fr. Caussade explains that it is not in seeking holy things or circumstances, but seeking holiness in all our circumstances, that makes saints.

We will never have peace unless we trust that doing what is in front of us is God’s will and that doing it well (little detail by little detail) will take away the anxieties of life and will lead to greater, wonderful things. Think, when you offer your life to God in your daily duties, of how much more God in his generosity will give you to accomplish in your life. He is all goodness, so do you not believe he will give you a grand adventure – one that will bring you to heaven?

In living each moment the way God calls (the little details) God will give greater things for you to do. I love St. Therese because she taught the little way to heaven. Doing every little thing because it is most humbling and therefore more meritorious in the eyes of God. Once we realize the great worth of these small details, the more at peace we will be. Believe in PROVIDENCE! Just realize that our daily duties are so important when done with love – how much more at peace. God will always outdo us with love, and the more we offer up these small things, the greater the things he will call us to, and we will be at peace in his love.

Psalm 131, song of quiet trust: “O Lord my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high. I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvellous for me, but I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a child that is quieted at its mother’s breast; like a child that is quieted is my soul.”

Our Lady of Guadalupe to Juan Diego: “Listen, put it into your heart, my youngest and dearest son, that the thing that disturbs you, the thing that afflicts you, is nothing. Do not let your countenance, your heart be disturbed. Do not fear this sickness of your uncle or any other sickness, nor anything that is sharp or hurtful. Am I not here, I, who am your Mother? Are you not under my shadow and protection? Am I not the source of your joy? Are you not in the hollow of my mantle, in the crossing of my arms? Do you need anything more? Let nothing else worry you, disturb you.”

Book Review: Amata Means Beloved

Jul 23, 2015 | 0 comments

Unlike glossy modern libraries that boast about their Wi-Fi, iPads and e-books, the Catholic library in my city is tucked away on a mezzanine floor of a battered old building, has one old-fashioned monitor on which you can search the catalogue (when they remember to turn it on), and contains rows and rows of wonderful dusty books, many of which have faded “Date Due”stamps from a time before my parents were born.

My favourite books in this library are from a genre that boomed briefly in the 1950s, heyday of religious vocations in the Church, and disappeared without a trace after Vatican II: literature designed to give young women an “inside scoop” on life in the convent. Books like Everynun by Father Daniel A. Lord, a play about a nun who inspires a doubtful postulant to remain in the convent by relating the details of her own long and rich life, and What Must I Do? by Sister Mary Paul Reilly OSB, a novel written entirely in the second person: “you”are a confident young 1950s girl named Marilyn who goes through every step of formation up to the day of final vows. The cultural references in these books are sixty years or more out of date, the slang almost painfully quaint, but the charm of them is still there. The books themselves may be products of a particular era, but the genuine love for God and for the religious life, and the desire to share that love with others, is timeless.

Amata Means Beloved is the same kind of book, written for our time. The author is Sister Mary Catharine Perry OP, a cloistered nun who published this, her first book, in 2003. At 101 pages, it’s an easy read – I finished it in a one-hour train ride home from work – and it has the same simplicity, earnestness and sweetness as its 1950s predecessors.

The story follows Emily Barone, an American in her early twenties who enters an enclosed Dominican monastery (presumably based on the author’s community in Summit, NJ), and must overcome an enormous internal struggle in order to stay. Anyone who has lived in a religious community will recognise the way that the contemplative life brings her suffering to the surface: old grief and anger that she has forced down in order to give the appearance of tranquillity force their way back up again during her novitiate, and must be dealt with if she is to remain. What exactly happened to her brother that she can’t come to terms with? And why do cracks start appearing in Emily’s facade every time she catches sight of the community’s new bell?

This novella is set in the early years of the 21st century, and clearly written in the immediate wake of 9/11 when so many lives were ended or damaged forever by terrorism. In that, Amata Means Beloved deserves a second reading: Emily’s grief process can easily be read as a metaphor for the struggle of America as a country to cope with the wounds inflicted on its soul by an unfathomable loss of innocent life. And yet, it’s a humorous and hopeful book. She is not left to battle her demons alone, but accepted and prayed for within the community – the most touching moments throughout, particularly the scene where Emily’s novice mistress explains the meaning of her new name (and thereby the book’s title), are the times when her sisters in Christ quietly reach out to her.

Like the books I’ve dug up from long ago, Amata Means Beloved is stylistically a product of its time, with contemporary references and language that will eventually become dated, but its deeper themes – specifically, the ways that a religious vocation both demands and shapes the growth of personality in community life – will endure, and young women many years down the track who find a battered old copy in the library will see in it a reflection of their own uphill path to God in discerning a vocation to religious life.

Motherhood: A Path to Holiness

Jul 16, 2015 | 1 comment

On the Feast of Saints Anne and Joachim, parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Elissa Jasko reflects on her vocation to motherhood and finding holiness within the family.

A child running by half clothed, a baby crying, bathwater puddles on the floor and toilet, a toothpaste painting all over the lower half of the mirror, and a frustrated child trying to put an upside down and inside out pajama shirt on like pants.  This is a common scene at our house between 7:30 and 8:30pm.  Chaotic? Yes.  Unnerving?  Yes.  Beautiful? Absolutely.  It is beautiful because if you look closer you may see a father helping one child brush her teeth while patiently listening to another enthusiastically describing a superhero, ninja turtle, firefighter who fights villains with tube sock nunchucks.  You may hear a 2 year old quietly singing to the baby while trying hard to do it all “myself!” I hope you would see a mother closing her eyes, taking a deep breath and choosing to act in charity instead of frustration.

The family is a path to holiness. Siblings are one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. The family is a domestic church. I have heard each of these phrases many times. As parents, my husband and I have a continuing dialogue about all the choices we make for our family. During one recent conversation, we began to internalize what I think these phrases about family are trying to describe: the only goal that really matters is doing everything in love. It does not matter if our kitchen floor more closely resembles the before shot in a Lysol commercial or if we manage to pull off a Pinterest perfect birthday party for each of our children every year. What matters is taking every opportunity to teach our children to love God and others even when the baby is screaming. Even when water is dumped all over bathroom floor. Even when there is a month’s worth of Kid’s Crest artfully spread across the mirror. Even when we really just need the kids to get in bed so we can fold the laundry without the piles being used as step stools to get onto the couch. Instead of focusing on everything in our life that is not “going right” we need to use all of these naturally occurring opportunities to teach our children to love each other, to value people over task lists, and to have peace. Lord help us!

We pray that as we move toward our eternal destination, we prepare our kids to know Jesus and to let His Love into their hearts so it can overflow to everyone they meet. While this responsibility is huge, we are discovering that must be accomplished through minute by minute choices to “do small things done with great love.”

July 11th: Feast of Saint Benedict of Nursia

Jul 10, 2015 | 0 comments

Happy Feast Day to all Benedictines and former Benedictines!

From Chapter 72 of the Rule of Saint Benedict: Just as there is an evil zeal of bitterness which separates from God and leads to hell, so there is a good zeal which separates from vices and leads to God and to life everlasting. This zeal, therefore, the sisters should practice with the most fervent love. Thus they should anticipate one another in honor (Rom. 12:10); most patiently endure one another’s infirmities, whether of body or of character; vie in paying obedience one to another — no one following what she considers useful for herself, but rather what benefits another — ; tender the charity of sisterhood chastely; fear God in love; love their Abbess with a sincere and humble charity; prefer nothing whatever to Christ. And may He bring us all together to life everlasting!

 

The Flowers of the Field

Jul 8, 2015 | 1 comment

By Cinnamon.

Jesus opened the book of nature before me, and I saw that every flower He has created has a beauty of its own; that the splendor of the rose and the lily’s whiteness do not deprive the violet of its scent, nor make less ravishing the daisy’s charm! So it is in the world of souls, the living garden of the Lord. It pleases Him to create great saints, who may be compared with lilies or the rose; but He has also created little ones, who must be content to be daisies or violets nestling at His feet to delight His eyes when He should choose to look at them. (Saint Therese, The Story of a Soul.)

While studying a few years ago for a teaching degree, I came across a fascinating article about the role that genetics play in children’s levels of vulnerability and resilience. The authors suggested that there are two kinds of people: “dandelion children,” who will succeed in just about any environment, and “orchid children,” who are acutely sensitive and will only thrive if their environment is safe and nurturing. (For more information, click here.) It’s not limited to certain obvious temperaments, either: I’ve had lively, sanguine students break down in tears and tell me their essays were “stupid” (orchids) while a handful of melancholics worked on quietly in the background and wondered what all the fuss was about (dandelions).

Of course, the comparison between people and flowers immediately reminded me of Saint Therese of Lisieux, and I wanted to explore the idea further. According to the popular stereotype, young women who are too delicate to cope in the “real world” retreat to the cloister – making the religious life a safe haven for orchids, while the dandelions work nine-to-five jobs, volunteer in soup kitchens, then eventually get married and populate the world with more little dandelions.

There are two things wrong with this idea. Firstly, it suggests that orchids are fragile or even weak – as opposed to intelligent, passionate, and reflective people who perceive everything that goes on around them and find that sometimes those things really grate.

Secondly, the religious life is complicated, and some aspects of it are not actually designed with orchids in mind. While the external structure seems to be ideal – long periods of prayer and silence, a strict horarium, and an established procedure for everything from cleaning a sink to meditating on a passage of Scripture – I started to see within a couple of weeks of entering the convent that the systems in place were set up for minds that worked quite differently from mine. For example, take the frequent changes of occupation throughout the day. Suppose that I’m told to scrape carrots. I might settle happily into the task and scrape away for an hour or two until the job is done, but if instructed part-way through to leave the carrots and start on the dishes, it will take me several seconds to change gears and mentally put the carrots down – a delay which, in the convent, looks like disobedience. Similarly, if you’ve ever rushed out after Holy Hour as if the chapel were on fire, breathing the air of freedom after being stuck with nothing but your own thoughts for company for the entire time, you’re probably an orchid. (Fun, isn’t it?)

Is religious life, then, only for the dandelions? Thankfully, no. I’ll summarise the study’s findings very briefly:

Dandelion in a difficult environment: success.

Dandelion in a positive environment: great success.

Orchid in a difficult environment: stress, depression.

Orchid in a positive environment: outstanding success.

So, in difficult circumstances, the dandelion will be much better off than the orchid, but in the right environment, the orchid will flourish even more than the dandelion. The same gene that points to the worst outcomes also points to the best.

I’ve begun to understand that, although I loved my community dearly, I found their way of life grinding because it wasn’t my vocation to be there; I was attempting to carry a cross that wasn’t actually meant for me, and that’s the one thing an orchid really can’t do. Somewhere in my future, though, is the cross that I am meant to carry – a yoke made so light by joy that even an orchid can hold it high. Who knows yet what it is? But orchids, too, are meant to bloom in the garden of Christ.