By Jennifer, CA.
This summer will mark eleven years since I left the monastery, hoping to re-enter after a year; but that never happened. I am now happily married to a wonderful man and we have two of the cutest little ones! Praise God! Everyone’s story and process of grief is different, but I’d like to share my thoughts at this point in my own journey.
I struggled with depression and anxiety when I left religious life, which I now see as a clear indicator that well… cloistered living is not my vocation. But it was a heartbreaker enough at the thought of being sent home for a time. In fact, when I met who would be my future husband only six months later, I did not realize the supportive guy standing right in front of me liked me, and desired to be more than just a friend.
The way for me was definitely bumpy, and spiritual direction and therapy alike could not seem to get through to me that I was not letting God down. There was a lot of guilt and despair in my heart.
After being friends, then dating two years, we spent a lot of time stating that we wanted to get married. And right before my boyfriend proposed, the Holy Spirit gave me the gift of peace when I found out from my novice mistress that I could never be a religious. It was like a long-awaited permission from my superiors to get married. Yes, there were still some temptations to feel guilty, but I feel so much freer to love this man, as husband and wife for almost five years now! And the peace continues to grow. Praise God!
A year and a half ago, I had the opportunity to be in the same part of the country as the monastery, and I made my first visit since leaving, and introduced my dear husband to the Sisters whom I had lived alongside for three incredible years. I am so grateful to God for this little reunion, and we continue to keep in touch.
What I have experienced and learned for myself is that God loves me unconditionally, He is not mad at me for leaving the monastery, and that He still has incredible plans for each and every one of us!
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