By Maria Jacinta.
Leaving the peaceful, quiet lifestyle of the convent and returning to a world of chaos – where do I begin to describe the results / emotions that come with such a switch? I could be all over the board about this, but I’ll focus on one topic for this post: dealing with guys. Especially dealing with the good looking, well-off, single Catholic guys!
After being gone from the convent for almost a month, I would say I have a love-hate relationship with young men my age. A love-hate relationship may sound extreme so I’ll call it a “love to be around them but know I need to be careful” kind of relationship. Let me elaborate:
Upon coming back, one of the first things that was on my mind was encountering young men. I was thrilled at such an idea! They are on my mind A LOT more now than when I was in the convent. For example, when I go to daily Mass I find myself looking around to see if there are any young men there. Or I will randomly think of a male friend of mine from college or a past young adult group and wonder what he is up to these days. Is he single? Maybe we could go out? Would he make a good husband? Ahhhh!!! Seriously, I feel like I am reliving my middle school days when all I could think about was boys. Am I just insane, or is this normal?
The Lord was kind enough to send me two people to help with this. I went to Confession the other day and asked the
priest about what I just described. He said there is nothing wrong with the feelings we experience with being around guys. After all, we are women, and God created us to be attracted to them! I think I was getting too hard on myself in regards to how I felt being around them. I almost felt like I was cheating on Jesus. The priest went on to say that we cannot control these feelings / attractions that we have towards guys, but what we can control (by the grace of God!) is our will. So we can will these feelings to be used in a sinful way or in a way that respects their human dignity. There is nothing wrong with thinking if a young man may be a suitable husband, but true love is when we desire the best for another. So we need to be praying for them that they may be become the saints they are born to be. I find that praying for them helps me to understand that they are truly my brothers in Christ.
I also wrote to a woman who left the convent a while ago. She said that my reaction towards men after leaving the convent is normal and that Jesus is not upset with me. Praise God! BUT I need to be careful. Our natural desire to be loved by a man can cause us to want to jump right into dating. This is not a healthy thing to do. The woman told me that we should not let a relationship define who we are. We need to be gentle with ourselves, as we transition back, and focus more on our relationship with God. What does He want of me?
Before Mass today, I was having trouble getting a young man out of my mind. I then offered him to Jesus and Mary, along with the feelings I have towards him. I asked Jesus and Mary to take care of him and do with him as they willed. It was so freeing to say such a prayer! The Lord will make it clear if and when we are ready to date. Let’s reflect on St. Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians: “Love is patient.” Moral of this post: do not be afraid to be around men, but while doing so make sure you guard your heart!
I think you are very right! and thank you for being so open about your feelings because they are natural and we all experience them at least a little but are tempted to think we are the only ones and that there is something wrong with us.
Personally, I kind of did the same thing, only with other Religious Communities. I wanted those “relationships” to define me because I was struggling with who I really am after leaving the life that I had thought WAS me. It is so key to know who we are in God before giving our heart to anyone and anything. Jesus should always be our first love, we should love Him more than our family, a man, a community or our vocation. When we are sure of this, then we know that whatever is next, our hearts will be secure in His!
Amen, Rachel! Thank you for saying this. I needed to be reminded of it. We only find true happiness when we have a solid relationship with Jesus Christ. What the world has to offer looks like nothing when we know His love for us. I am glad you were able to realize what you said about looking to religious communities to define you. You are certainly not alone in this battle. Be assured of my prayers for you!
Thank you for this post! It is totally normal to have these feelings! I was in the Convent for almost 5 years and just came home 5 months ago. I am learning to keep praying to fall more deeply in love with Jesus and give all my feelings and relationships and desires and dreams to Him! I have to daily ask Him to help me look to Him for fulfillment and He is spoiling me! Everyday He pours out more and more of His love through other people in my life. God is good all the time!
All the time God is good! Yes, perseverance in drawing closer to Him and keeping our focus on Him will get us far. I like how you said “give all my feelings and relationships and desires and dreams to Him!” I have been trying to do more of that. It gives us a sense of freedom that we are not in control. How much peace there is when we draw closer to Him! I am glad you enjoyed the post. God bless you for being in the convent for almost 5 years. I’d imagine that is a tough transition, but you seem to be handling it well. You’re in my prayers!