By Cinnamon.

You love them, and they love you, but sometimes they just don’t get it. If you have ever heard your friends and family come out with the following lines, we’re pleased to announce that you can now nominate them for these well-known gameshows, specially re-worked for EWTN:

The line: “You’re running away to the convent.”

The show: Shark Tank.

How it works: Contestants go through several days of intense psychological testing, and then write a comprehensive and brutally honest autobiography. Next, they “pitch” the results to a panel of five Superiors from different religious communities, and try to persuade at least one of these Superiors to accept them for candidacy. Abject pleading is permitted as a last resort, but not encouraged.

The line: “Nuns live such an idle life. All they do is pray all day. You could do so much more good out in the world.”

The show: Survivor.

How it works: No exotic desert locale – just a monastery. Any monastery. But for the sake of good television, let’s make it a Trappistine monastery during harvesting season, or maybe a Carmelite monastery that’s running behind with its orders for altar bread. In any case, there will of course be elimination challenges (“Today is the first-class feast of a bishop of the Order, who was also a martyr. Your breviary has six ribbons. Good luck.”)… and watch out, because Lent is coming!

Those who make it to the end of the first year do not win a cash prize – instead, they are given the holy habit, and another year of even harder work. Anyone who is still around by the end of novitiate will receive the million dollars.

Sadly, I didn’t make up this slogan. Some pilgrims at WYD 2008 had it on their shirts.The line: “It must be so easy never to have to wonder where your next meal is coming from.”

The show: Iron Chef.

How it works: Finances are a bit tight at the moment, but fortunately, a benefactor has donated a load of produce from his farm. Therefore, for every lunch and dinner over the next week, you must prepare a unique and tasty meal with the featured ingredient:

You lose points every time someone flinches at the sight of yet another plate full of it.

The line: “It’s such a waste of your intellect.”

The show: The Weakest Link.

How it works: Simple.

What is a vow?

Buzz!

Contestant 1:  A vow is a deliberate and free promise made to God concerning a possible and better good, which must be fulfilled by reason of the virtue of religion. (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2102.)

Correct.

When and where did Saint Benedict found his first monastery?

Buzz!

Contestant 2: Um… Prouille… in… 1170?

Remembering that this is a light-hearted exercise, can you think of any others?