By Sackcloth Dreams.
Recently, I was part of a discussion about theology students wearing the roman collar. One side said that seminarians shouldn’t wear the collar because it confuses people and they think a guy is a priest when he is not. But the former seminarian at the table explained how wearing the collar helped him feel more committed in his studies and the path he had embarked upon. It was interesting to hear.
The fact is, our bodies and our clothes matter, whether we like it or not. The outside reflects the interior, but our interior can also be shaped by our exterior. When I feel yucky in the morning, my initial reaction is to put on something comfortable and well-worn. I don’t want to put forth the energy to look nice. I want easy. But yet, if I stop myself and make the effort to look nice on the outside, it makes a difference in my attitude. There have been many days where I felt down but my usual clothes were in the laundry. As a result, I had to “dress up” because that was all I had. And it made a difference.
The day I entered the convent and changed into my postulant outfit was intense and most of it is a blur. But I do remember wanting to stand up tall and have proper posture to almost show respect to my new life and community, represented by my clothes. This feeling continued during my time there. My attire almost commanded me to carry myself a certain way.
When I returned to lay life, clothes were hard to come by. I don’t have sisters and I didn’t have any friends of the
same size/body type. As a result, I was given some ill-fitting clothes by people in order to get through and I used them for a long time (too long). I hate shopping with a passion and I didn’t have the money to get a new wardrobe. But I also didn’t feel like making the effort because I thought I wasn’t worth it. This created a cycle which I am still battling.
In “Searching for and Maintaining Peace” Fr. Jacques Philippe demonstrates the importance of the body and our actions. He says, “I should begin to strive to this peace in the easier situations of everyday life… to avoid excessive hurry in my gestures and the way I climb the stairs! The soul is often reeducated by the body!” (pg 82).
Haven’t we all experienced this? Don’t you pray differently when you are kneeling as opposed to sitting or lying down, for example? We have many times throughout our day when we sit, stand, lean, lie down, etc. But in Western culture we very rarely kneel or prostrate ourselves. This makes these postures meaningful. In regards to my surroundings, when I am in a beautiful church it is much easier to raise my mind to God. Furthermore, when I used to work in the Capitol I was often tempted to genuflect in the legislative chambers because the architecture was beautiful!
I had noticed this when thinking of postures in prayer, the beauty of a church and other more obviously “spiritual
matters” but I hadn’t ever thought about it in regards to my appearance. I am blessed to have a spiritual director who has been helping me grow and pray through my struggles with my exterior. He has constantly encouraged me to pray with these difficulties and be open and honest with the Lord. It is humbling to realize how much of our identity is wrapped up in our exterior. I tried to deny this reality for so long and now I am forced to surrender. It does matter.
So how about you? How did you feel about clothes? Was it hard to give up religious garb because it saved you from clothing decisions? Or did you immediately go to the trendiest store after returning and run up a big bill?
This is something that I’ve really struggled with since leaving the convent three months ago – it’s good to know I’m not alone. I’ve been blessed in that my family is supporting me right now, so even though I left owning only one pair of pants (and sweatpants, at that!) and little else, I quickly found myself with suitable clothing options. But during the first days and weeks of being home, I felt very conflicted and guilty about paying attention to my appearance and wearing nice clothes and jewelry and make-up and even chapel veils as I struggled with feelings of being utterly un-beautiful and unlovable, along with fears that I’d walked away from God or had left out of worldly reasons. I still wore them, though, because I felt a desperate need to at least *look* pretty. And, while the feelings of unlovability could only be dealt with by working through the grieving process (and they have – by the grace of God and with a lot of prayer – receded a great deal), it did make a difference to look nice.
I think the hardest thing for me about no longer wearing the habit (well, postulant dress for me, but it was just a shorter version of our habit) was that people no longer knew just by looking at me that I had given my life to God – even though that reality has not changed. In the convent, it was such a privilege and a huge, humbling responsibility to have strangers pour their hearts out to us in the supermarket as they asked for our prayers, having approached us merely because they saw what we were wearing, or to have that instant “in” for evangelization. To no longer be able to be a witness in that way has been a deep loss. I still desire so much to be able to help others discover the Lord’s love for them in His Church, or to be able to enter into deeper conversation even with perfect strangers about the things that truly matter in life, or to be a witness of hope to those who already believe, but may be struggling with feeling alone in their love for the Lord… It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that this can no longer happen in the way I had experienced it in the convent.
I agree with everything said in the post and comment. I made the conscious decision upon leaving to always have the self-respect to dress well, no matter if I was going to see people or be working that day. Now I sometimes feel myself reaching for “comfort” clothes on down days but that does not help my mood! On the other hand, some days I try too hard to want to look nice and I get stressed out at having to pick out my clothes and it takes waaay too long and I miss my habit (which I had for 6 years, counting the postulant outfit). Let’s pray for each other in this little area, too, as we all experience the struggle in different ways, yet with a commonality that brings us together.