By Girasol.
In my former community, we would comment–in a somewhat light-hearted way–about the age of thirty-three being the “year of crucifixion.” Perhaps those community sisters of mine who had already passed that age spoke with more truth than I realized. While there are certain moments of more intense suffering and offering at different stages of life, independent of age, the “year of crucifixion” didn’t pass by without reminding me very clearly of the cross.
At thirty-one, I said goodbye to my community family and embarked upon a new way of life. At thirty-two I met a knight in shining armor and seriously opened myself to the possibility of marriage. And not more than a day after my thirty-third birthday, my knight and I–after a long conversation and many tears–decided that we needed to step back from the relationship. God had not given me the peace I needed to move forward in that vocation.
In some ways it was more painful to end an eight-month relationship than it has been to leave my community of many years. Or perhaps the one was now compounding the other. I was working through not one loss but two. In spite of feeling peace in the rightness of the decision, the sadness continued for many months.
Providence would have it that I had already intended to renew my Marian Consecration on the feast of the Exaltation of the Cross. The Consecration day itself had its share of crosses, not the least of which was my inability to attend Mass due to my “worldly duties.” Yet on the following day–the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows–I had a moment of heart-to-heart prayer with My Mother. The previous few months had been painful. I needed to be with her at the cross. I wrote this reflection:
“With Mary I stand at the foot of the cross. No…I don’t stand. I fall. It’s hard, so hard. It’s painful. Why? Because of love. Love can hurt. I may have to leave at the altar of the cross something that I love dearly. Why? Because the love of Christ is more, and if He is asking the sacrifice, I can’t refuse it.
But I really have nothing on Mary when it comes to pain, suffering, and loss. Talk about a broken heart! No…her heart was pierced but not broken. She knew suffering like no other yet was not driven to despair. She hoped against all hope. She offered, she loved. And it is with her that I walk through this valley of tears. I’ve renewed my consecration to her – and if I take this act seriously, how much more does she? She is my faithful companion. I know that she does not abandon her children.”
The tears didn’t magically disappear that day, my heart wasn’t healed in an instant,nor did the twists and turns suddenly make sense. But I had a new awareness of Mary’s presence in my life. If Mary could maintain faith and hope in the midst of unimaginable suffering, can she not help me to do the same in my sufferings, small by comparison? She accompanies me at the foot of the Cross, consoles me and reminds me that I have reason to hope. Because if thirty-three is the year of crucifixion, it is also the year of resurrection. We all have that to look forward to, my friends – in small ways in this life and a glorious way in the next.
We also called 33 the year of crucifixion! I just entered this year yesterday, and am kind of wondering how things are going to go. I will have to remember that it is also the year of Resurrection – thank you for that!
Thank you for the beautiful reflection. I had a similar thought on Good Friday. I think we tend to think Good Friday we are supposed to be mournful – after all, Jesus suffered so much and died, and my sins caused it! But the ancient Fathers of the Church actually spoke of Good Friday’s Liturgy as a Wedding Service – Christ the Bridegroom marries His Bride the Church that day. So this Good Friday, as I was participating in a public Way of the Cross devotion, instead of feeling mournful, the grace in my heart was one of peace, comfort, consolation – Jesus is with me. Not that I feel it every day, but at least this year, even if it was a different way than I am used to experiencing Good Friday, the Lord moved my heart perhaps to what the day is meant to be – the day when Christ is most fully united to His Church, and I a member of that Church, was privileged to feel it for a few moments.
AMEN! Dr. Brant Pitre mentions in his “Jesus the Bridegroom” that the reason the crucifix is part of our faith is because that is the moment when the Bridegroom Messiah gave Himself to us. That is the moment when my Messiah loved me and gave Himself to me and I don’t ever want to forget it. That’s when He wed Himself to us in this eternal nuptial covenant. When asked if have a personal relationship with Jesus, Dr. Pitre said to respond “yes, but Jesus wants much more than a personal relationship with Him…He wants a covenant with us. He wants to wed Himself to us. He wants to be much more than just our friend, He wants to be our Bridegroom.” I have not lost anything relationship-wise with God by leaving religious life. I’ve actually been discovering more how Christ is in fact the Spouse of my soul, I am a “bride of Christ”, and that religious sisters are visible signs of what we ALL are in His Church. As a priest told me, when I see a religious sister in a veil, call to mind that they are Christ’s bride and SO AM I! ?