By Cara Ruegg.

I breathe the wind
Into swollen lungs
Red eyes blink
And all is gone.

It disappears
At least for a moment

Standing at the crossroads
Nervous and trembling
Do I even want anything?

There is no silent conviction
There is no conviction at all

There is nothing

My heart is torn
It is broken
It cannot decide

To be loved
In a special way
By a person I can see
And hear and touch

It seems much more real
Even if it’s not
Even if it’s in fact false

A fickle thing
This love of humans
Changes like the wind

God is eternal
His love infinite
And He gives me Himself
He gives me everything

Where is my gratitude?

The ground beneath my feet
Is hard
The grass cannot be seen
Under this dirt

What do I want?

Nothing
And everything
At once

The world’s vanities
Make me shrink

But so does the cross
Of my Jesus
Covered in blood

And I want to be brave
I want to give Him everything
All of me
Not counting the cost

But I’m a coward

And I stand here
At the crossroads
Wavering

“Dear God”

He seems far away
Gone
I once felt His peace
Such a wonderful calm

There is nothing now
I am numb

The little children huddle around me
But do they really care?
In the end, they go home
And I’m not ever there.

My Sisters laugh and joke
But still a barrier I hold
My heart can’t get attached
Not to a human soul

I want a shoulder to cry on
A friend to wipe my tears
I want to be loved by someone

But I am here

Before a silent God
Who I know is before me
But who I cannot see
And cannot hear
And cannot feel
At all.

The romance of the cross
Should be enough
It should be all
But the crucifix
On the wall
Is motionless

He beckoned me
And I responded
I said, “Yes,
I’d follow His call”

Now here He is
Silent
I’ve crossed the ocean
I’ve left behind my home
I let myself be forgotten
Erased from memories of loved ones
Affections have gone cold
They have changed, gone old
But I am here, frozen
I still care…too much
And they don’t know.
I cannot tell them.

And will I be happy
In the world?
I cannot see over this picket fence
And do not know
If there is any grass there at all.

And can I give up the treasure
Of a baby I can call my own
Tiny hands and soft feet
Eyes that look like my own?

For God. For God. For God.
How dry and tasteless
I feel
Shattered in a silent way
No tears
No pain

I’m just not happy

Waves aren’t crashing
All about me

I cannot even cry.

“Dear, God,
I want Your will

Not mine”