Jun 24, 2013 |
I spent 10 years as a convert in Judaism and 5 years as an immigrant in Israel. Then I left it all. But 10 years of my life, the most formative years of my life, were still all bound up in Judaism and the Jewish homeland. When I “made yeridah” (“went down” from Israel, returning to the US), I returned to West Virginia. In West Virginia, nobody cared where I’d been or what I’d done or what I’d been through.
It was lonely. I needed to process it all: all my experiences, all my changing beliefs, all my transforming self. But when you go away for a long time and return, all people want to do is update you on what you “missed.” It was true: America had changed a lot in the time I was overseas. But I honestly could not have cared less about that at the time. I needed someone to listen. For a long time. And I just could not find anyone who was interested in hearing about Israel and my conversions and all my confusion about God and turbulent feelings about Jews for hours and hours and hours. You know how when someone comes back from a trip to Europe and all they talk about is Europe? And everyone starts to complain, annoyed, “All she ever wants to talk about is Europe!” That was me. So in order not to be annoying, or to be perceived as the snob who wanted to rub in everyone’s faces how much time she’d spent overseas, I just kept it all to myself. Real lonely-like.
On top of needing to talk about what I had been through, there was what I was going through at the time: what cultural scholars call “re-enculturation,” the process of readjusting to one’s native culture after being away from it for a long time. No one but another West Virginian who had converted to Judaism and immigrated to Israel and returned to West Virginia at exactly the same times as me could understand what I was experiencing. And how many of those are there?
One. So far as I’m aware.
Double the loneliness.
Then there was the fact of all the stereotypes and misconceptions people have about life in Israel. A typical conversation went like this:
“Oh my gosh! Erin! I haven’t seen you in, like, ages! Where have you been?! What have you done?”
“Well, I converted to Judaism and immigrated to Israel. I just got back.”
“Whoa, that’s intense. [Enter stereotype:] Was it really scary there?”
“No.” (It was really hard for me to keep my patience at this point.)
“I mean, what about all the bombings and the missiles and the war and stuff? Wasn’t that, like, really intense?” (Yes, I know what you meant!)
“No. People go on with life. It’s not like it appears on CNN.”
“Oh. Well, hey, we’re going over to so-and-so’s house tonight for a bonfire.”
And that was it. That was the end of their interest. Despite the constant tidal wave of emotions and thoughts churning inside me, I felt reduced, on the outside, to a 10-second myth-debunker. That’s all people wanted to know. From my side, it felt like they weren’t interested in me. Because I had so much I needed to say. So much I needed someone to listen to.
I imagine that leaving the convent is a lot like this. Especially if you were there for a long time. Especially considering all the misconceptions people have about being a sister. Especially if you’re in a place that’s not heavily Catholic.
Honestly, I’m not sure how I got through that period of my life. I know that not having anyone to listen to me forced me to turn to God. We worked it out, “processed everything” together, on our own. And I guess that’s the way it should have been. After all, my travels were spiritual travels (much like yours, I presume), and though being around a bunch of people who don’t understand or aren’t interested can make me feel like I traveled “that road and this one” very much alone, the truth is that I was never alone. I had a Fellow Traveler. And He was always interested. He always understood. He was always willing to listen. Even for hours and hours and hours.
It can become really easy to get bitter at other people’s lack of interest in where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing and what you’ve been going through all these years. It took me over a year to finally find some compassion for them. Because I was so wrapped up in myself, trying to process what had happened to me, what was happening to me, it took me that long to see things from their perspective: Just like my life had gone on in Israel, so had theirs in my absence. I couldn’t just show up again and dump 10 years of spiritual and cultural turmoil on them. It was, as they said, too intense.”
After about four years, I finally met someone who was interested in hearing the whole story. The weird thing was, when the opportunity arose for me to spill it all, I was the one who gave the Cliff’s Notes version. It just felt odd at that point to talk about it for hours and hours. Because at that point, I had finally gotten past it all. I had processed everything that needed to be processed, expressed everything that needed to be expressed. But I’d done it slowly, over time, with my Fellow Traveler, rather than in one great big sudden dramatic dump with someone who wouldn’t have been able to understand anyway. I think it worked out better that way. More naturally, at least.
If you have someone who is willing to let you dump it all out on them, consider yourself hugely blessed. If you don’t, and you really need one, this ministry is for you. Reach out to your fellow former-sisters in the Comment boxes. Share your experiences, and be willing to listen, too.
But if none of those things is an option for you, then know that, as time goes on, you’ll work it all out anyway. Slowly, over time, with your Fellow Traveler. Until one day, it will just feel strange to make such a big deal out of it. Because life will have gone on.
By J.E. Sigler.
Jun 17, 2013 |
And what do you want to be when you grow up? asked the fourth grade teacher to her class. “An astronaut!” “The president!” “An actress!” “A pro-football player!” responded the bright-eyed students. The sky is the limit to a nine year old. Could you imagine if a child ecstatically exclaimed, “a cashier!” or “a receptionist!” Such a response would certainly raise eye brows, and maybe even a little teasing on the part of his or her classmates.
Yet, the older we get, the more we are faced with obstacles when pursuing our dreams. Suddenly, we wake up to find ourselves sitting in a cubicle, entering senseless data and answering phones for a company that sells pencils. So much for our dreams and ambitions. Time to face reality.
As a teenager, my greatest ambition was to one day become a nun, and at 25 years old, that dream came true. Happily ever after? Not exactly. I was as surprised as my friends and family were when I realized it was not my calling. Leaving the convent was the hardest thing I had to do. I felt like a complete failure. Desperate for a job, I landed a secretary position. It paid the bills, yes. But was I happy? No. That nine year old self challenged me to aim high and fulfill my true potential. Pushing aside my insecurities and doubts, I listened and entered a graduate program to become a certified Counselor.
A vivid memory has always stayed with me that has kept me grounded. Shortly after I left the convent, in a time of confusion as to what I was going to do next, I turned on the television to a local Christian station. The host on the show said something that entirely changed my perspective of vocation. While giving her personal testimony, she had discovered that where your wound is, there your ministry also will be. Many can testify to this truth, including myself.
As a Career Coach, I have had the privilege of helping others find out “who they want to be when they grow up.” More often than not, individuals discover that their career potential is right in front of them. Maybe it’s a personal hobby, an academic interest, or through volunteer work. Your path may not be clearly set out in front of you just yet, but if you remember to listen to that little nine year old voice in your head, you will find yourself fulfilling what Aristotle once said, “Where your talents and the world’s needs cross, there lies your vocation.”
By Wendy Macagno
Wendy has received her MA degree in Counseling Psychology from Regis University and her BA in Religious Studies from Benedictine College. She has served her community as a career coach in both the non profit and government sectors.
Jun 3, 2013 |
One of the difficulties we face when we return to the world involves connectivity. You said goodbye to your phone, Facebook, email, etc. when you left. But upon your return, you are faced with clear choices about what you want to do. Some people want to jump back into it immediately, while others slowly return, if ever.
Though Facebook and email are free, phones are not. What’s a post-convent girl supposed to do? When I returned, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to talk on the phone, let alone pay for one. Are there ways to ease into it?
After exploring many options, I would say the answer is yes. First of all, if you don’t feel ready to get a phone, don’t do it. What’s the point of forcing it? You’ll eventually get one, so enjoy the freedom while you can! One of the things I found enjoyable about the convent was not feeling the pressure of unanswered messages and calls. Also, once you have a phone, it creates an expectation. Therefore, if you don’t know if you are up for random calls from family/friends, getting a phone right now might not be the best idea. Borrowing other people’s phones will allow you to call out while also minimizing inbound calls.
Eventually you’ll be ready to take the plunge and the next question will be about money. Some people have a generous loved one who is willing to cough up the cash for a phone plan, but what if that’s not the case for you? When I started looking around for a phone plan, I was stunned. I was not in a position to sign a 2-year contract for $50-90 per month. My income was ZERO and I was depending on others to provide me with food, clothing and shelter.
I ended up getting a pay-by-the-minute plan through Page Plus and it served me very well. I had an old phone lying about and I got a new number via Page Plus. There are many no-contract phone companies, so look around. And, the benefit of using an old phone was that I paid nothing for my device. A lot of people have their last model phone in a drawer collecting dust and you can use this to help you get started. This can get you by for awhile until you get on your feet financially. I was hesitant to do this at first, because I assumed these companies would have poor service. But, I found out that many people are now switching to these no-contract carriers because they have the same service, cost less and don’t require a commitment. Be not afraid!
If you’re feeling a little more adventurous and you have internet access where you live, I would recommend trying Google Voice. The easiest way to explain it is that it is a “pointer.” You can get a phone number through them, and then “point” it wherever you want. For example, lets say you sign up for a Google number and choose 313-222-5555 (yes, you can select your phone number). You could have your account ring your parents’ house phone when anyone called your 313 number. If you stay with your friend for the weekend, you can have your friend’s cell phone ring when someone calls your 313 number. One of the many cool things about this is that if you have a minute phone, you can save your minutes by texting and calling through the web instead. Did I mention that it is totally free? It took me awhile to get the hang of using it but it was totally worth it.
In conclusion, the choices we have today for communication are changing all of the time. Pray about how available you want to be and make your choices based upon that prayer. Also, don’t allow anyone to pressure you to do things when you are not ready. For example, people can be hurt if you have a phone but never text them back. So if you’re not ready to text, don’t get a phone (or don’t tell people you have one!). If you are considering a phone but find the prospect of research overwhelming, you can ask friends or family members who are really into technology to explore some options for you. It can allow you to save money and give them a way to help you out. Finally, feel free to contact us if you have questions. God bless!
By Pinkie.
May 27, 2013 |
Do you believe that God will fulfil all that He plans to through you?…or do you feel that your only opportunity is destroyed, has passed, or is not going to happen? Well, the good news is that despair has no place in the Christian life and that nothing is outside of God’s Providence.
The greatest Christian walk was done through a woman who began by saying, “How can this be?” The response from God’s angel ended with the words, “For with God nothing will be impossible”; to which Mary responded, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” (Lk 1:26-38) This woman said yes to her God in the moment of the grace of the day, having no clue what was to come and not being prepared that moment to see the fullness and end of the walk that she would live. She received the grace of the day to take the step of the day that He asked of her. This is the radical Christian walk. This is the walk of radical faith, trust, and vulnerability to what God has planned. This faith begins by believing that if we just respond positively to the promptings of the day that He asks of us, there is no greater thing we could possibly do in our lives at that moment. Seriously, just stop to think, if I say yes to all that God asks for this day, there is no greater walk I can choose. The Living God finds us, holds us, and leads us in the living moment! This is truly the Marian journey with God, life in the Spirit, the faith that Mary had, that made her not fear one prompting of the Lord because she knew that with God leading her she had no one and nothing to fear. If we would only all believe that and live that way, living in the vulnerable moment of now, not knowing what God plans to open to us next.
What does this mean? Well, it starts by realizing that we didn’t miss the only plane to Jerusalem or lose the only chance to meet that perfect man or enter the only fitting Religious Order. No, that is not how God works and that is not awaiting the Lord with radical hope and trust. Would God really say, “You just missed my only plan for you so now you will have to live the rest of your days in misery; I’ve got nothing else for you?” No, that is certainly not our God. There is no path we can choose that God can not make glorious in the end. Our God says this, “Fear not. Do not despair. Have faith. I know well the plans that I have in mind for you.”
We may find doors shut that we thought we were to walk through. Or paths diverge where we thought were certain. However, the one thing we must hold belief above all: Praise the Lord, He is in control, He is God and we are not; there is no need to despair; he will provide if we let Him! And the more we allow Him to lead us where He wishes and stop thinking that we need to make things happen instead of letting them be done unto us, the better off we will be, and the more peaceful. When we think that it all depends on us, we will inevitably feel the anxious, unnecessary weight of the world on our shoulders. A famous line a good friend says is, “Don’t worry, God will have his way with you.” The catch is: we must let Him have His way with us in active-receptivity of His Will. Then, watch out world of what He will do through us!
Allowing ourselves to be disposed before God and walking towards what we believe that He is asking of us is scary at times and makes us vulnerable to possible rejection, hurt, or loss, however, this disposition will bring the greatest joy of our lives if we follow Him. God loves His sons and daughters vulnerable to Him. Peter loved the Lord but had many winding paths in trying to follow Him, however, did any others get out of the boat to walk on water!? Or was anyone else given the keys of heaven? It’s better to get out there and walk with the possibility of sinking when the Lord invites us to the challenge, then to never get out and feel the water under our feet.
Will the Lord find us open and waiting in a vulnerable stance, ready to face the next opportunity He gives us to receive a gift, be an instrument of His love in the world, or are we too fearful of hurt or failure, finding it easier or safer to stay where I keep myself and what I make happen in life? Will Christ walk away from our city with no power to perform miracles because of our lack of faith (Mk 6:1-6) or will he have the freedom to say “your faith has healed you” or “be it done according to your faith”. (Mt15:28)
Let’s pray for one another, that we may foster the Marian walk with our Lord and receive the grace of the day that He gives us and walk with Him and in Him on whatever crazy paths He may lead us, with faith that truly has Divine power to walk on water (Mt 14:22-33) and to move mountains (Mt 21:21-22)!
By Dawn Hausmann.
Dawn is the Director of Consecrated Vocations in the Diocese of Lansing Department of Formation.
May 20, 2013 |
I don’t know about you, but I constantly need to be reminded that the present is the only time that matters. It is common for pop-psychology writers to bring up phrases such as “the power of now” and “living in the present”. And these are concepts worth pondering.
But the real question is why? An ontological-type answer might be something along the lines of, “nothing else truly exists except the present.” And on my bad days, I would respond, “so what?”
Why does only the present moment matter, in a real, rubber-meets-the road kind of way?
“It is in the present that we encounter him, not yesterday nor tomorrow, but today.” The Catechism of the Catholic Church, Paragraph 2659.
Now is the only time that God can work and that we can be with Him. Amazing. This is just like any other relationship. I can hope to be with my friend tomorrow, but I cannot, right now, be with my friend tomorrow. It is impossible.
As C.S. Lewis said, “The present is the only time in which any duty may be done or grace received.”
Satan loves to distract us with the past and the future. He doesn’t want us to be present and be open to what God wants to do with us RIGHT NOW.
How does this happen? First, we dwell on memories and/or look at them with unrealistic, rose-colored glasses. One year ago I was having the time of my life in the convent with my sisters. It was so amazing. And now, I am here and it stinks. Let me be clear: there is absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging any feelings that you have about missing the convent, etc. What I am saying is that we can have an unrealistic view of the past, which makes the present seem awful in comparison. Satan loves to play on this. Your life wasn’t perfect before.
On the other end, there is fear of the future. Satan loves to paralyze us with worries about the unknown. We have all had that sinking feeling as we think, what next? I will never forget being in my cell the night before I left the convent I couldn’t sleep and I was trying to fight the fear involved in wondering, what will I do now? Others may have delayed that night for too long, even though they knew the convent wasn’t the place for them, because of this fear. When we are lost in dreaming or worrying about the future, we are not in the present.
In conclusion, “Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.” (Mt 6:34)
Jesus says this because we are only receiving grace for right now, not for the problems that we are anticipating or recalling. The Three Persons of the Trinity want to love us right now, give us peace right now, and let us experience joy right now. So don’t be anywhere but here right now!
By Rosa Mystica.
I spent 10 years as a convert in Judaism and 5 years as an immigrant in Israel. Then I left it all. But 10 years of my life, the most formative years of my life, were still all bound up in Judaism and the Jewish homeland. When I “made yeridah” (“went down” from Israel, returning to the US), I returned to West Virginia. In West Virginia, nobody cared where I’d been or what I’d done or what I’d been through.
One of the difficulties we face when we return to the world involves connectivity. You said goodbye to your phone, Facebook, email, etc. when you left. But upon your return, you are faced with clear choices about what you want to do. Some people want to jump back into it immediately, while others slowly return, if ever.
Do you believe that God will fulfil all that He plans to through you?…or do you feel that your only opportunity is destroyed, has passed, or is not going to happen? Well, the good news is that despair has no place in the Christian life and that nothing is outside of God’s Providence.
I don’t know about you, but I constantly need to be reminded that the present is the only time that matters. It is common for pop-psychology writers to bring up phrases such as “the power of now” and “living in the present”. And these are concepts worth pondering.
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