Mar 29, 2016 |
By Mater Dolorosa.
Of course I believe it, right? As we begin the Easter season we have just heard it proclaimed: Jesus died and rose from the dead! I believe it intellectually. I profess it in the Creed and it is a tenant of our Catholic Faith.
But what does it actually mean for my life?
Christ suffered grievous wounds and rose from the dead… but do I believe He can and would bring about that kind of restoration for me? What about for my seemingly dead vocation? I died to the world to enter religious life and I died to my hopes and dreams for that life when I returned to the world. I have “died” twice to be where I now find myself. Can He truly breathe life into this dark place?
Recently I’ve personally witnessed miracles. For example, for years I had joined groups that prayed in front of abortion facilities. I prayed because that’s what you do! Life is important and you want people to choose life. But then something happened: the facilities in town started closing one by one. WOW! When I heard the news, my first thought was, “No way!” I didn’t realize that I doubted this would ever happen until it happened. I hadn’t even dared to ask in prayer for these places to be shut down because I didn’t imagine it was possible. These events forced me to realize my lack of faith and recognize that God can make the impossible happen.
Now I wonder: Can He do the same for me? Does God really answer our prayers? Does He really raise the dead? Can He truly and completely heal these deep wounds in my heart?
Do you ask similar questions?
I have found that openly and honestly examining my beliefs and feelings with Him in prayer is a great start. Then specifically invite the Lord into those places. In a gentle and gradual way, He has indeed begun to breathe life into these hurts and wounds. A tiny crack of light appears on the horizon because “in the tender mercy of our God, the Dawn of Compassion will shine upon us, and guide us into the way of peace.” This hope is real and palpable. I have the joyful privilege of sharing with you this hope, and inviting you to have confidence that it will get better!
We all have our doubts and our bad days. As a result, I really recommend that you find people who can remind you of your hope in His Resurrection, and often. Close friends, family, and other young women in this wonderful community of those who have been open to religious life in the past only to discover that He was calling them elsewhere. Community is so important. Surround yourself with people who will truly edify and support you and please do the same for them in return!
If you don’t think you have anyone, or even if you do, Leonie’s Longing has a contact us page. Community is vital and you don’t have to be alone.
How do you act out your belief in the Resurrection? How do you support others in their trials or how have you been supported? I would love to read your comments below.
You are in my prayers during this blessed and beautiful season of Easter. God bless you!
Jun 3, 2015 |
By two Leonie’s Longing writers.
Among the reasons for leaving religious life, the one that gets the least attention is that of being asked to leave the community.
Perhaps you know you: were too young, unhealthy, didn’t fit in, broke a rule, were unhappy, had conflict with your superior, had a misunderstanding, etc.
Or maybe you were like me and you weren’t told why you needed to go. You were simply asked to leave.
Even for those who have either discerned themselves or with the community to leave, there are still those looming questions, the “what if’s” or the “if only’s.” These questions, especially for those of us that are still wondering why, can echo in a seemingly empty soul.
Nature abhors a vacuum, and the evil one is all too willing to fill in that empty space of unknowing or uncertainty. He relentlessly lied to me and I had incredible difficulty fighting it. My sense of isolation and shame didn’t help.
These lies can include:
God doesn’t love you.
You weren’t good enough.
There’s something wrong with you.
How could you ever think you could be a sister?
They shouldn’t have let you into the community in the first place.
That peace and joy you experienced before entering was fake.
God doesn’t have a plan for you.
Only a really bad person is asked to leave a religious community.
Do these sound familiar?
So what is the truth? How do I combat these lies?
First of all, we must remember one simple fact: GOD IS GOD. Okay, I know you all know this, but sometimes we forget that God is bigger than our sins, failures, weaknesses, etc. Years ago I was told about a homily and it made an impression on me. In it the priest said: “God is big. God is bigger than big.” This is a simple reality, but one we often forget.
Besides this, who are we to call certain events and people failures? God often uses these “failures” to reveal his glory. It is easy to doubt that God is in our messes. But I would argue that it is exactly those places in which he wants to dwell.
These few little truths may help you combat the aforementioned lies:
- God STILL has great things planned for you. (We can’t “fail” our vocation. We can’t “fail” God’s plan for us.)
- Even though we are not religious anymore, that does not mean we are less valuable to God. Lumen gentium argues the exact opposite; there is a “universal call to holiness,” i.e. that holiness is not reserved for priests and religious. Furthermore, it is the laity that is given much of the task of preaching the Gospel and bringing Christ to others. You are given a special mission in your present lay life! You can reach others in a way that you couldn’t as a religious.
- Your fundamental identity as a Daughter of God and your relationship with God is UNCHANGABLE! You still belong to Him and are no less in His Eyes. He is arguably even closer to you in your suffering and pain, your grief and loss, and your shame and isolation. He experienced all of these things and is with you so intimately in these moments.
As we have reflected in the past few months on the mystery of the Resurrection, let us rise up out of those places that are dark, the “tombs” in our soul. Let us believe, without necessarily seeing, the good that God does with our “tragedies.” The Resurrection is proof of this reality that takes place within the human heart, within your heart.
May 20, 2015 |
By Spiritu.
Here’s one thing that works to my advantage: I’ll never need to pay a psychoanalyst to decipher the hidden meaning of my dreams. Last night, for example, I was kneeling in my parish church when the Sisters from my former community unexpectedly walked in. They didn’t see me, but I watched them as they genuflected and took their seats near the front, and I wondered whether or not to go over and join them, since I wasn’t wearing my postulant uniform. Then I woke up.
Nearly two years out of the convent, my subconscious clearly still hasn’t quite let go of what might have been. Thankfully, it’s better than it was: at around the time I would have received the habit, for example, I started waking up in the middle of my Clothing ceremony several nights a week. (At least my community had the understated custom of giving the novice’s religious name at the start of the ceremony rather than the end, so I always got that far!) After about a year back in the world, I’d dream myself standing outside the convent in twilight, just as I had stood in real life while wheeling out the bins each week during postulancy, looking up through a window into the brightly-lit community room where the Sisters were gathering for evening recreation. Now, I wonder what that dream means?
For a long time after returning to the world, I slept a lot, but badly: going to bed at 8.30pm, waking up as late as possible the next day, and getting dizzy with tiredness sometime in the late afternoon. A number of times, I was appointed designated driver home from outings when, despite being stone-cold sober, by 10pm by I was definitely no safer to drive than anyone else in the car. (If I make it to heaven one day, I confidently expect that Saint Christopher will be waiting just inside the pearly gates to deliver a lecture on the subject that I’ll never forget.)
Not being a doctor, I can’t offer medical advice, but if you’re in this situation I can tell you a few things that have worked for me:
1) For a short-term rescue if you’re getting faint during the day, forget the sugar and eat a salami stick. I started carrying some around with me (the individually-wrapped ones), and found that the salt, fat and juices gave a much better energy boost than chocolate.
2) The biggest one: no screens for an hour before bed-time. No phone, computer or even TV, as the bright lights apparently interfere with the brain’s sleep cues. (Well, minimal screens, anyway. I cheat. I’m cheating as I write this now, in fact.) This one actually fixed most of my sleep problems in one go, and drastically reduced the dizzy spells next day.
3) Chamomile tea. If you’re like me, the challenge, waking or sleeping, is to find a channel in your mind that’s not playing repeats of Life in the Convent. Slowly drinking a cup of chamomile tea just before turning out the light can help gently disconnect those loops of thought and take you downward into sleep.
And then there’s the 2am demon: what if I’d…/perhaps if I’d…/if only I’d… (Or its evil twin, what if they’d…/perhaps if they’d…/if only they’d…) The only thing that helps here, unfortunately, is time and a conscious effort to understand and process the grief. It’s as though every memory of life in the convent, good or bad, is a sharp edge that needs to be gone over with sandpaper a certain number of times before it gets dull enough that you can handle it. However, it’s 2am and you’d really like to go back to sleep, so what can be done for some relief in the meantime?
Here, I’ll pass on three suggestions from the wise and patient priest who suddenly found a wildly unhappy recent ex-postulant in his confessional back in 2013.
1) If you’re playing certain scenes over and over, perhaps making magnificent speeches where you actually once stood mute, bring your sense of the absurd into play. Imagine the scene with Bert and Ernie in the background reacting to what’s going on, or Mr. T providing a running commentary. If it sounds extremely stupid, that’s because it is… but I actually laughed out loud the first time I tested it on one of my painful convent memories.
2) Or, if that’s just too silly for words, how about this? Imagine you’re sitting at a table so long that the far end disappears into the distance, and slowly, gently slide the people you’re angry with down the table away from you, further and further until they’re so small you can’t see them anymore. Keep them there and turn your mind to something else.
3) If all else fails or – worse – the person you’re angry with is yourself, then turn the light on and write down, very specifically, what is bothering you. Then (my own later addition), decide on something concrete that you will do in the morning to move on from that situation. I will say a decade of the Rosary for someone’s intentions. I will put $5 in the Saint Vincent de Paul box. I will make coffee for my parents/housemates. I will say the Office of the Dead for the souls in Purgatory. Anything, as long as it’s clear, charitable and constructive. Then turn the light off and, for heaven’s sake, go back to sleep.
And me? Self-evidently, I’m not “over” the most vivid months of my life just yet. But two years out is a hell of an improvement over two months out, no longer bittersweetly receiving the habit night after night being but one example. The Sisters still walk through my dreams sometimes (do I ever, I wonder, walk through theirs?), but slowly, a couple of years behind schedule, my heart and mind are catching up to my life in the outside world. Thanks be to God.
Sep 7, 2014 |
By Lucia.
“Fiat Mihi” -These words have always rung in my heart when thinking about religious life. Ever since I first thought about becoming a sister in fifth grade when hearing about Mother Teresa, the idea of giving everything God asked for appealed to me. When I was going through the application process with the Dominican Sisters nine years later, the vocation director wrote often to us, “Thank you for your continual ‘yes’ to God”. During the entrance weekend retreat, Mother Prioress encouraged us to give our “yes” to God, even when it was painful to leave family. On the feast of the Annunciation, our novice mistress’ feast day, one of the postulants asked what would be a wonderful thing to meditate on, and Sister told us, “Mary’s ‘yes’ to God”. Every day living the life of a sister, I woke up at 5 AM saying “yes” to the sacrifices that the day brought me in the convent. Looking back on these moments when I said “yes” over the past year and a half, while sometimes it was painful, there was joy, especially when I think of my application process. And yet, when it comes to saying “yes” to coming home from the convent, somehow it is not as easy as the other times.
God has truly blessed me with a family that has been supportive of my religious discernment. During the few days that my family visited and in their weekly letters, my mom would tell me to give my “yes” as Mary did at the foot of the cross. Little did she know that while I did love my life in the convent, there was an inner anguish I was going through as I struggled a lot interiorly while living the life of a sister. When I finally discerned that God was asking me to leave after nine beautiful months in the convent, my novice mistress talked to my parents in a parlor with a huge image of the crucifixion. That image has stuck with me during these past few months.
When you look at an image of Mary at the foot of the cross, you can somewhat understand what she felt at the Crucifixion. Mary, with hands touching the bloody feet of her own Son, who was being killed for our sins, did not fully understand. It must have been so utterly painful for her to look up at her Son suffering in agony, and yet not be able to do anything. And yet, she gave the same “fiat” that she did at the Annunciation, knowing it was all a part of God’s perfect plan. She never doubted, she just trusted in God. She may have seemed totally helpless, and yet her confidence in God gave her more freedom than if she struggled against Him and said no. It is by Mary’s fiat at the foot of the Cross that Jesus was able to show forth His glory, defeating sin and death on the cross.
When coming home, there are many things that one can worry about, such as finishing school, finding a job, or finding a place to live. It can be so easy to become depressed and ask, “Who am I supposed to be?” While it is so easy to get caught up in all these worries and questions, it is a perfect time that God gives to strengthen your faith and really give you freedom. Just like Mary at the foot of the cross, we may not understand, but we can have full confidence and trust that God will provide like He always has. A lot of times, the anxiety and fears that we feel during this time are the enslavements we put on ourselves, thinking that the world needs to be on our shoulders.
Entering the convent, you hope to live there forever in chastity, obedience, and of course poverty. The physical poverty that you experience gives you the freedom to rely completely on God. When coming home, I have found the poverty actually more intense. In the convent, while I was poor in the standards of the world, I at least had the security of my community, knowing where formation would take me. But now, God has taken that away from me. Now, I am even poorer than in the convent, for I do not know at this point which step God wants me to take next or even who God has created me to be in regards to my vocation. There is much uncertainty, and this can make one uneasy.
This is a great opportunity that Our Lord gives us, though, to strengthen our trust in Him. When feeling completely lost on what I am to do next, or who I am supposed to be, I have found that I am truly free when I put all my worries behind me, and just move forward with complete abandon, trusting in God. While I may feel as though I am walking in darkness, I trust that He is leading me by His Light. This is very hard to do, and yet, it brings the most freedom, taking the burdens of planning out your life off your shoulders. God creates each person for a particular purpose, and He is leading you on the path to that joy that only He can give. He is leading you through His own way to being the person He has created you to be. You only need to trust Him.
I cannot say I am perfect at abandonment, but God is giving all of us who have left the convent or seminary an opportunity to experience true freedom, a freedom that you may not have even had while living religious life. This freedom is abandonment amidst the uncertainties, the chance to live completely trusting in God’s providence, even though you do not know your vocation at this point. During this time of uncertainty, a wonderful opportunity given by God to grow in faith and trust, just look at the cross, and place yourself at Mary’s side, praying,
“Mary, you never doubted, you just trusted, please help me to do the same.”
Lucia is a young artist passionate about anything creative. She loves to do portraits, paint with oils, and do charcoal drawings. When not working on canvas, she also expresses her creativity through cake decorating. Family, the Catholic Faith, and the Eucharist are central to her life, and she has a special devotion to Sts. Therese and Philomena.
Sep 5, 2014 |
At Mass one morning, it dawned on me that I had forgotten a service opportunity downtown. Forgetting the miracle taking place before me, all I could think about was how lazy I was for spending a Saturday lounging and catching up on my own life while there are people suffering and in need.
But then I thought about it for a minute. Ok, do I even remember the first reading? No, good thing it was mentioned in the homily! At least one of the letters of St. Paul was mentioned, so I assume that is what was read. Am I being present to the Lord who is deserving of all my love? Am I grateful that He has brought me to receive His Love in this beautiful old Dominican Chapel? Well, I was then!
I started thinking about charity, and how sometimes I feel motivated towards works of charity not because of love, but because of a need to feel good about myself. As I continue my spiritual and psychological healing and readjusting to “the world,” I notice that I am sometimes motivated to serve others because interiorly I feel a certain emptiness. And this emptiness always seems to return until I busy myself more with work, helping someone, or being “useful” in some way, shape, or form.
This little light is another part of what God has been trying to tell me about the concept of identity, especially after such a life-changing transition. I was reminded that my identity is not based upon how productive I am, what I “am” to others, how helpful or useful I have been, etc. etc. I am not necessarily “better” because I have done “more”, or “worse” because I have done “less”.
During the walk home from Mass, I was thinking about how charity/love is first given by the Lord, who is the only One who can fill that emptiness, and then, after His love permeates our whole being, we can be love for all. The Lord also provides us with MANY opportunities to practice charity. It doesn’t have to be a set day or time or number of hours or even a scheduled service opportunity (as good as those things are, and as much as I should try and take advantage of them!). He, however, is present in every soul we encounter, and therefore we can reverence Him in everyone we encounter and everyone we keep in prayers. I thought of Mother Teresa, and contemplated what she might say. The image that comes to mind is that of light. To everyone entrusted to our prayers we can keep vigil, lighting a candle in the sanctuary of our hearts, and on the altar we can sacrifice our prayers, works, time, etc.When I was a block away from my house I saw two figures standing just outside my house, clothed in white with a tint of blue. It couldn’t be… yes, it was. Two Missionaries of Charity walking the opposite way down the same street. This circumstance isn’t extremely out of the ordinary, given that there is a Missionaries of Charity Convent about a mile away. However, I knew that God’s Providence was stirring something within my soul, urging me to take this concept to prayer… and to Leonie’s Longing.
Both in and out of the Convent it can be easy to become so busy with giving that there is no room to receive the other or the charity of others. I remember feeling so worthless as a Postulant, when my responsibilities were reduced to making my bed, vacuuming the parlor, and occasionally pouring water for breakfast! And after leaving the Convent I had a hard time accepting myself without possessing some sort of work or project or service to another. My identity was still rooted in what I did.
I have learned from Blessed Mother Teresa, whose Feast we celebrate today, that charity will naturally flow out of a heart given to God. May you receive the Love of Christ today so that you may be Christ to the world!
I pray that you will understand the words of Jesus, “Love one another as I have loved you.” Ask yourself “How has he loved me? Do I really love others in the same way?” Unless this love is among us, we can kill ourselves with work and it will only be work, not love. Work without love is slavery.
“Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing.”
Now I wonder: Can He do the same for me? Does God really answer our prayers? Does He really raise the dead? Can He truly and completely heal these deep wounds in my heart?
If you don’t think you have anyone, or even if you do, Leonie’s Longing has a contact us page. Community is vital and you don’t have to be alone.
By Spiritu.
apparently interfere with the brain’s sleep cues. (Well, minimal screens, anyway. I cheat. I’m cheating as I write this now, in fact.) This one actually fixed most of my sleep problems in one go, and drastically reduced the dizzy spells next day.
wo years out is a hell of an improvement over two months out, no longer bittersweetly receiving the habit night after night being but one example. The Sisters still walk through my dreams sometimes (do I ever, I wonder, walk through theirs?), but slowly, a couple of years behind schedule, my heart and mind are catching up to my life in the outside world. Thanks be to God.
mewhat understand what she felt at the Crucifixion. Mary, with hands touching the bloody feet of her own Son, who was being killed for our sins, did not fully understand. It must have been so utterly painful for her to look up at her Son suffering in agony, and yet not be able to do anything. And yet, she gave the same “fiat” that she did at the Annunciation, knowing it was all a part of God’s perfect plan. She never doubted, she just trusted in God. She may have seemed totally helpless, and yet her confidence in God gave her more freedom than if she struggled against Him and said no. It is by Mary’s fiat at the foot of the Cross that Jesus was able to show forth His glory, defeating sin and death on the cross.
nment, but God is giving all of us who have left the convent or seminary an opportunity to experience true freedom, a freedom that you may not have even had while living religious life. This freedom is abandonment amidst the uncertainties, the chance to live completely trusting in God’s providence, even though you do not know your vocation at this point. During this time of uncertainty, a wonderful opportunity given by God to grow in faith and trust, just look at the cross, and place yourself at Mary’s side, praying,
with MANY opportunities to practice charity. It doesn’t have to be a set day or time or number of hours or even a scheduled service opportunity (as good as those things are, and as much as I should try and take advantage of them!). He, however, is present in every soul we encounter, and therefore we can reverence Him in everyone we encounter and everyone we keep in prayers. I thought of Mother Teresa, and contemplated what she might say. The image that comes to mind is that of light. To everyone entrusted to our prayers we can keep vigil, lighting a candle in the sanctuary of our hearts, and on the altar we can sacrifice our prayers, works, time, etc.When I was a block away from my house I saw two figures standing just outside my house, clothed in white with a tint of blue. It couldn’t be… yes, it was. Two Missionaries of Charity walking the opposite way down the same street. This circumstance isn’t extremely out of the ordinary, given that there is a Missionaries of Charity Convent about a mile away. However, I knew that God’s Providence was stirring something within my soul, urging me to take this concept to prayer… and to Leonie’s Longing.
I have learned from Blessed Mother Teresa, whose Feast we celebrate today, that charity will naturally flow out of a heart given to God. May you receive the Love of Christ today so that you may be Christ to the world!
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